The Hook
I think anyone that has experienced a crippling addiction would understand. They would agree with every word that I write. Those that have never felt the hook grab them and not let go, they will never know. Non addicts just do not get it, they do not know. They probably never gave up all they had just for a moment of sweet relief, from the craving eating away at their mind and consuming them whole.
Non addicts will say something like, “I’m addicted to chocolate!” And I’ll say “No.” I highly doubt they would sell every last thing that they own for a candy bar.
I have felt the hook sink in and even though I do not use anymore, I am still affected daily by this awful disaster. I am tempted often to look for something to use. Especially when I hurt, or feel like I cannot make it through.
There are also the days I do not feel like using. But do not be mistaken I am still affected. I feel this emptiness inside, a void that will forever go unfulfilled. My body and mind have had experiences they loved so much that I will never give them again. Nothing is as satisfying as when you do it under the influence. Everything is left feeling more bland even when you enjoy it.
I wish that I had never touched a drug. I wish I never smoked. But these are things I cannot change, they are in the past. I am proud of my abstinence from drugs, alcohol and tobacco, but life is Hell sometimes and I can no longer feel relief from using them even every now and then.
I have seen lives ripped apart far worse than mine ever was. These are the folks not as fortunate as me. I got out and they probably never will. They will leave people behind through prison or death unless they already left them. These are the types that sell off everything then when nothing is left, they turn to crime. These are the type that will rob you blind. Others like this sell their body for drugs, catching diseases, beatings all just to get that satisfying high.
One could write forever about the Hell that is addiction, but the non addict will still never understand. They will wonder why the addict would do all of these awful things and wonder why they do not get help. They do not understand that is an over simplification of a solution to incredibly complex problem.
The hook that addiction sinks into your soul leaves you unsatisfied without using for the rest of your life. You can still be happy and enjoy things, but your life is forever changed.
I think about how I was when I was at my worst. The way I acted and thought was not me anymore. The addiction took over made me want only it. That is why I did not care if I gave up my shit. All that mattered to me was feeling good and only drugs could do that nothing else could.
The unsatisfying way of life once sober, that begins after the absolute Hell, pain and torment end. I felt so horrible I just wanted to die, every time I gave up something that would get me high.
Now do not forget the tobacco too, as that was the hardest. I absolutely tripped balls two days in. I felt every muscle in my body contract tighter than I could ever make it on my own. My muscles stayed clenched involuntary for as long as 20 minutes, I could do nothing about it. They would clench and I would scream, I would cramp and pray for relief. My mind went a million ways. I did not know if I would even make it six days. When I went through the delirium tremors for an hour or so, I laid on my girlfriend’s bed bawling wanting her desperately. I saw and experienced everything from the two or three years before, every detail, every sound, experience, statement. They soared through my head and at that time I just prayed I was dead. I was reminded of every awful thing that I said. I saw all of the things I hated that happened to me, I was ashamed of myself times 1,095.
But here I am a survivor of self inflicted Hell and I have quite the story to tell. I will never use again, not even anything. I have far too much to give up at this point. I thank God daily for the blessings in my life. If it were not for my girlfriend, son, what little family I have and career, I am sure I would have used to the point of homelessness or death.