Fear (my fate is no longer up to me)

I no longer fear much.

I used to fear anything I could.

But I am far from being free of fear.

I do not fear pain,

I fear disability and lifelong treatment.

I do not fear death,

I fear what I leave behind.

I have stared death in the face with no fear more times than the opposite.

I have stared death in the face and been chilled to the bone, cried my eyes out and swore to my dear mother I would no longer drink.

At this time as uncertainty and torment consume me, it is natural to think of the end.

If my time is up, I would say it was well spent.

If I am to no longer take a breath, I know I made an impact.

I have lived 10 extraordinary lives most people will not even see one of.

I have met so many people and left an impression on them, I am left feeling proud.

What pains me though, and makes me fear my fate, if it is sooner than most want, is what I leave behind.

This mentality is the same that has saved my life more times than I will admit to anyone, professional or not.

The difference though, is my fate is not in my hands, but with the divine.

Before when I was close to death I could contemplate the fact that my son will not have a father, left to deal with his mother.

Before when the reaper laid his hand on my shoulder and leaned in to whisper to me, I could imagine how upset my girlfriend would be, and the ripple effect my death would have on her life

Now that I have the idea that my time possibly could be limited on earth, regardless of its reality, I ponder these things.

But, when fate is in someone’s hand other than your own, you have no control.

I can fear for my loved ones, friends and clients I leave behind, but I have no control.

If the reaper grabs me and pulls me to the other realm, that is how it will be, but it is not up to me.

That is scary.

I weep when I think of what I will leave behind, but it does no good, I cannot just put the pills or bleach down and no longer fear what I leave behind as my fate has been extended.

I am left to the will of God and I pray he is on my side.

I feel I have done enough to piss him off enough to put me down and not think twice.

But then I remember all of the great things I have done after all of the times he chose to spare my life.

There must be a reason he let me be just ALMOST lethal to myself.

This is in the work I do, the relationships I have and the rest of the good I put out.

The scale tips in my favor as far as I can recount, but I hope our Heavenly Father does not have a reason to doubt.

I am not giving up, I just fear things people fear.

I do not like that this time, it is no longer up to me.

©2022 Eric Dinsdale