Dream of Clarity
Updated: Aug 5, 2021
Sometimes at night I have extreme moments of clarity right before I fall asleep.
And sometimes I wake up from extreme vivid dreams at which point I have the moment of clarity.
Well a week or two ago after drifting asleep
After having some melatonin to slow my thoughts and put me to sleep I had one of those dreams.
In my dream I was at the church I’ve known my whole life.
As I walked in everyone was solemn, dressed fine, and didn’t seem to notice me at all.
I thought, “this feels so strange, but oh so right” then I saw something that gave me a fright.
At the front of the church, there is a burl walnut casket, appointed with a brass square and compass on the side, I looked in, and there I was.
All my life I asked to be buried with a smile on my face with my eyes open.
I suppose they didn’t think they’d disappoint me by not fulfilling this wish, for there I lay dead.
I realized this was it, I was gone, ceased to be, something had wiped out me.
I was pleased at least that I was privileged to witness what my turnout would be, what people would say, the looks on their faces.
Mixed feelings came over me as the funeral began, proceeded, and ended.
It was a wild crowd, with every client I touched coming to say a word or two, or hoot.
My widowed girlfriend Claire broke my no longer beating heart, I’ve never seen someone so torn apart.
My orphaned son, Masen, stayed strong, but I could tell by knowing him he wanted to break down.
Me dear mother never cried so much, between the time I passed and the beginning of the funeral her hair had completely turned white. Despite her white hair, she maintained her youthful appearance, but she could barely speak she was so choked up.
My brother Thane decided to come in a Husker shirt and snap-back cap. He was wearing shorts and hiking boots. He cracked some jokes then said no more.
My grandma Mac and grandpa Mac were there, but they were just as I remembered them from my youth. Grandma gave my eulogy, managing to speak only kind, encouraging words, taking experiences from my life to encourage and motivate others, and make them smile. Grandpa, well he was right by her side.
To my surprise, my grandma D was there. She gave specific stories of my kindness, but since I couldn’t speak, I was left being the only one to know that she had guided me in my kindness during those stories she shared.
My father unfortunately couldn’t make it, Susan and him had to take Matthew to a gathering at that time.
My coworkers all sat together and raised their hands to each give me the pats on the back they always wanted to during all-staff meetings, but hadn’t, because we had decided as a collective not to present those in meetings as a way to end them earlier.
I was touched by the turnout, I loved seeing all the people that I enjoyed spending the time I had with on earth, then Noah, the client I lost came to me. He told me I was granted the opportunity to see this so I could live in eternity knowing I was cared about and not left to wonder, then he took me to exit the church and pass on. As we about exited the doors, my sister Rachel came through, late, as Feeling Good by Nina Simone played as the service ended.
I woke from this dream and felt a sense of calm. I felt if I were to go at any moment, this is how I would want my funeral to be, and if it’s not, at least I witnessed in vivid detail, what I would like it to be like. I repeated this dream in my head as many times as I could, so I wouldn’t forget it, and told many people the next day.