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  • Writer's pictureEric Dinsdale

An Oath I Made to Myself

I am a survivor of lethal means afflicted by me. I was so upset, all the time, nothing ever seemed right. All I seemed to do was upset others, myself too. Nothing was enjoyable outside of the drugs I consumed in mass amounts. My head was not right, I was spinning out of control, my judgement was terrible.

I thought that no one cared about me or if I lived. I spent every second of every day consumed by the wonder of the afterlife. I thought for sure everyone would be better off without me, I would no longer be an annoyance, bother or nuisance in any way. I figured I did not need another day.

My means of taking myself out was pleasurable at first. But then when the overdose began I felt awful as would be expected. Multiple times I tried to end it all, with various drugs in lethal amounts. Each time I was rushed to the hospital which is good otherwise I would not be here today.

I was certain death was the answer to all of my problems before attempting each time. I knew I would hurt others, but my soul was blackened, my heart filled with hate and rage. I was so vindictive that I hoped that when I died, others would see how poorly they had treated me, and feel responsible for my suicide. I even wrote a note once in my own blood.

After waking up in the hospital with loved ones by my side, I saw that this was not the answer and I was not right. The first time seeing how I affected my loved ones should have sufficed. I should have never tried again, learning how to cope.

Once I realized that suicide is not the answer and began to sort things out, I decided I would never attempt again, I would use resources I knew about.

I am better now and haven’t tried in over a decade. I made an oath to myself to help anyone at any cost to never make an attempt on their life. I care too much for those in my life as well as anyone human, to let the slip through the cracks of despair. I will take whatever time it takes to make sure that someone in need gets the time I can provide.

I know too many that have succeeded and I cannot handle another, so I spend the time helping any way I can. I know how bad it feels to be so miserable I want to kill myself. I do not want anyone to feel like that. I will take my time to process giving anyone the attention they need to forget all about wanting to take their own life.

I strive so hard and hope I help. I just do not want to lose another to the depths of despair. I wish I could make everyone feel better and that suicide was a thing of the past, but I will do everything I can to resolve with someone the root of what the choice is to try to end it all.

I would hope that anyone reading this now, knows I care about them, and want them to be happy and healthy and absolutely cared about. Let us help each other out and just stomp suicide out!

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