A Difficult Time to Write

I have not written anything in a number of days. I could not bring myself to write or even do much.

I experienced a pinnacle of disappointment from those I spent my life trying to impress.

Soon after that I learned of the death of someone I cared deeply about.

These experiences coupled together crippled me for a number of days.

I felt hurt, let down, excluded upset.

Then to learn of my early mentor's death, my heart was broken.

I grew up silly, loud, all in an attempt to make people happy, or at least laugh.

As I became older, I desperately attempted to impress by relating, or speaking of success.

The result however was being conditioned to shut up, leave, then find out I am excluded.

When I spent a lifetime trying to get two people to like what I say, or even listen,

then every time ignored, clearly annoying them, only feeling like I am being shut out.

That leaves me feeling like a great big pile of nothing, discarded, not cared about.

They say they care, they are proud, they like things I do. But these are words, anyone can say them, it is actions that speak loud.

When around these two, it does not matter what I say or how long I wait to.

I am just a bother, an annoyance, I just want to escape.

I have decided for my own good, not to ever go back.

I do not need to feel like a lesser person, so they can feel better about themselves.

I have people in my life now, as an adult, that celebrate not only my victories, but the things I say.

People I surround myself with actually like me, they do not just say they do.

I have so many people that would like to hear the things I say.

So why would I go to those that ignored me for the duration of my life,

Just to be turned away?

Regarding my loss, it was unexpected.

This person was so special to me.

One reason they were special to me is I was special to them.

I know I was, for every time I saw her she let me know that I was.

Early in my childhood, my mentor treated me great.

She believed in me, my abilities, gave me every opportunity to shine.

I felt that I mattered, I was listened to, she was eager to hear what I had to say.

Then years passed, I was not around her until I had my own child.

For three or four years of my child's elementary school time,

I visited him for lunch, then afterwards, spent quality time with my mentor again.

It was like the time between childhood and adulthood was just a pause on our relationship.

I was able to rely on her for guidance, to feel valued, I felt special again.

The last time I saw her I will never forget.

I do not remember if I went into her classroom happy or upset.

But I do remember leaving her feeling appreciated, happy, special and cared about.

I did not, however, realize that this would be the last I would ever see her.

I desperately wish I had one more time.

I wish my girlfriend could have met her, as my description does not suffice.

Mrs. Colwell left an imprint on my heart and soul.

She may have left this earth, but she will live forever in my memories.

Any time I hear a trumpet, I will remember all she did for me.

As for the other two, I cannot say I am through with them forever.

But for now, I need them out of my life so I can prosper and not be brought down.

I need people like Mrs. Colwell in my life that help me feel good.

I do not need those that just want me to shut up anytime I try to speak of what I have done good.

I also do not need to be excluded from events that are a lifelong dream of mine.

These people, do not deserve my time.

I have been cleaning out my contact list of anyone that brings me down.

I concentrate my energy on those that help me feel worthy of being around.

It helps me to not be upset all the time, but instead empowered and proud.

For those that I cut out, if they even care to know about what is going on with me now,

they can visit my website, read my blog, or ask those that actually care about me and are proud.